The 5 Truths

I thought I’d never heal from my need for codependency.

After all, it was how I loved others. It was how I felt loved, seen, and valued. It was who I am!

I thought I’d never be able to be loved.

In fact, I’d have to earn their love. I’d have to prove to them I was worthy. I’d have to chase that love.

I thought I’d never be loved for who I am.

Instead, I would have to give myself up, keep myself needless and quiet and invisible, and be the person they want. That was what got me breadcrumbs of attention and love in the past!

I thought I’d never know a day without anxiety, insecurity or feeling inadequate.

Instead, I’d need to be hyper-vigilant, paralyzed and prepared for the next shoe to drop. After all, that’s all I’d known growing up.

I was wrong.

This reality collapsed when I realized one very, very important truth. I call it, “The Essential Truth.”

This truth led me to freedom, to well-being, to myself.

It was my compass back home.

The truth made the language of codependency make sense for the first time in my life.

It didn’t reveal itself to me through a book or in a class or therapy. In fact, for me, I hadn’t found relief, clarity, or real change I needed through them.

This truth found me in a deep, dark moment. A moment where it seemed to me I’d always be codependent, always be needing others to feel whole, to feel worthy, to feel lovable.

My hopelessness and loneliness threatened to become eternal. My emptiness dared to swallow me whole.

This truth spoke to me through that thick anguish of my heart in clear, soft tones, “Your needs matter. They are good. You’ve been taught to hate them and to discard them under the threat of being thrown away if you don’t.”

This realization was only there for a brief second. It was enough.

This invoked a clarity that banished my hopelessness and despair. A swelling energy of courage, determination, and focus erupted within me, revealing a path out of the darkness of my shame.

I followed this path like a starving man crawling towards the oasis he thinks he sees in the distance.

I clutched the idea of my needs being good close to my heart, enduring my brain’s assault of shame and guilt and doubt.

It was worth it.

This path began to reveal other truths. These truths further altered my healing, resulting in lasting freedom from needing codependency to get love, needs, and connection in my life.

If you struggle with codependency, you need these same truths.

They’re essential to your well-being and happiness.

Write these down:

1) Codependency is how you survived the absence of genuine love for who you are. It is your survival strategy. That is all (no condemnation!)

2) Your needs and wants are valuable, wanted, and important to loving people (this includes your real self). Treat them with respect.

3) You do not need fixing. You need nurturing. Nurture your needs and wants in healthy ways with healthy people and there’s no use for codependency.

4) Nurturing your safety, connection, and identity (aka sense of self) are your pathway to well-being and happiness.

5) Well-being and happiness are lifestyles – not events. They must be practiced.

This is how I went from codependency to self-respect.

This is how I love myself and love others as they are.

This is how you can be free from codependency. Even if you’ve struggled for decades to heal from it.

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