As you heal and come more attuned to your own voice and sense of self and others, you may discover something a bit weird happening: you realize some of the panic, anxiety, dread, or even depression you had in the past wasn’t due to trauma or difficult things. It was your body telling you that something was out of alignment. This has been happening a fair bit lately.
One example: Way back in high school, I had this huge crush on a girl I met in my 9th grade science class.
I adored her, admired her, and really wanted to date her.
But my body would brace and lock up each time I approached taking action on that idea. Now, she had clearly expressed interest and attraction in me, so rejection wasn’t a primary concern. Instead, it was something else that I hadn’t been able to understand till recently.
I had originally thought all that reactivity was due to attachment trauma, fear of loss, and rejection.
Yet, throughout my therapy, this situation never came up when processing those emotions. And it never really felt right to bring it up, as it didn’t quite “fit” like that.
Clarity came a few days ago. My body’s reaction to dating her was not a trauma response. It was my body saying, “hey, she’s not a good fit for what we need and want.” This doesn’t mean she was a toxic person. This does mean that we would have not done well for each other.
And I can see that very, very clearly 27 years later.
Who I really am (which was not who I was then) would have been very unhappy in that relationship. I could not have been me.
When this clicked, so much joy came to me. I am so proud of my body’s wisdom and foresight. I am grateful for that wisdom within me.
Sometimes we need to simply acknowledge what we’re experiencing and let it speak, rather than diagnose it and try to fix it. The more I do this, the happier I find myself being.
That’s my thought for today.