What I share below is an advanced form of emotional relating. It is a work in progress in my own life, something I am actively refining and understanding.
I’ve had to work through many instances of misunderstood behaviors, reactivity, and building trust within myself and others to get here.
It is something I frequently work on, especially when I’m activated or hurt.
Assuming ill-intent is a byproduct of relational complex ptsd. It was a necessary factor in my safety and protection early on. It is not a shameful part that need to be fixed. It needs safety, care, and nurture.
Some of my current healing is bringing up the defensive mechanism of assuming ill-intent behind someone’s behavior.
I’ve really been enjoying this exploration and catching the impulse to assign meaning and intent that centers me in someone else’s choices and actions.
It has been giving me so much freedom to see it and break free of it.
How do I do it?
I step back and give myself a visual of separation between me and their action. “This is not me. This is their action in response to their world.”
And I let myself feel and sense into the separation that exists there.
Any pain, any hurt, any assumption that I have, I acknowledge and legitimize. “Of course I feel this. I assume it is about me and my worth. I also can see how in the past it felt really personal and this was my best awareness at that time. I hold myself in care and them in care, too.”
Then I pause, acknowledge, and observe. This can last a while as I just let myself settle into this perspective.
I know when the sense of rest and peace arises, I have made the transition emotionally.
Then I can approach the circumstance from a more aligned and present state of being.
I can inquire about what is going on for them. I can see if there actually is a problem they and I need to address.
I have learned more and more there often isn’t. And when there is, there is much more love available for me to communicate through and listen from.
And if there is ill-intent from them, I can better gauge the claims and respond in clarity.
This has really helped me nurture general positive regard and curiosity when problems happen. There is a lot more peace, even when there’s intensity.