This is a mental gotcha. Our inner child really, really wants mom and dad to be safe. They yearn for that connection, shelter, and validation. All of this is very, very normal and natural. We deserve to have those things from our parents.
But when the parent is the source of our terror, we are drawn into a deep conflict within ourselves. How do we choose ourselves without risking the loss of this connection with our mom or dad (or both!)?
This is where we begin a covert operation to make them like us through pleasing, through unearned forgiveness, through fixing, and through undue tolerance. We shuffle who we are into a closet, promising that maybe one day we’ll let them out when “things are right”. We then sprint back into the world and get busy trying to earn the love of our parents.
Our healing is about coming back to that true self and bringing them into our world. This requires us to stay sober about reality. Our parents won’t be there. Our abuser won’t change. And we can still be who we really are and thrive.
This depth of healing is about facing the fantasy we created to keep us focused and alive. It served its purpose. It got us to this day. And now it must die.
You see, the fantasy is the story you tell yourself about what “can be if they’d just…” or “maybe it’ll be different this time…”. It is what we keep trying for.
My fantasy is all about my parents seeing the error of their ways, apologizing and owning their shit, and then getting involved in my life. They would like me and want to spend time with me and talk with me and share with me. They would like being with me.
They haven’t and won’t.
That is reality (per their behaviors).
It sucked realizing this. It hurt. I grieved for several years. I was bitter. I was angry (sometimes still am). I was resentful. I felt stupid and shameful.
Until I endorsed the genuine hurt. Then came deep release and peace. I saw that I was ok not being ok with their nature. I saw that I could have peace if I gave up denying who they chose to be. I saw that my peace and freedom was in my power and not dependent on them changing or being different than they are.
I get my need for attention, presence, play met with healthy people now. It isn’t the same as it would be with healthy parents. It took a long time to let that be ok. But it is now.
We will grieve. We will feel a hole in our lives. We will live without our parents providing for some things we needed from them. Those things will be filled in different ways.
And we will *thrive*.
We thrive because we go back to the closet and liberate our real self into the world. We jump into being us with love, curiosity, and courage. It is here we finally realize who beautiful, precious, adorable, and wonderful we are.
What does thriving look like for you?
What does it feel like?
What smells come with it?
What sounds are there?
What sensations show up in your body?
What experiences are you having?
These are the things you can have.
Remember that inner self you put in the closet a few paragraphs back?
They’re the key to it all. They are your brilliance personified.
You are not here to survive. You are not here to spend a lifetime healing. You are here to experience YOU.
And once you get who you are out of that closet (which is the shame and fear of who you are), and tap your awareness into that energy of YOU, your reality will change.
You deserve healthy, loving relationships. You deserve to be who you are and BE KEPT. But that starts with keeping yourself FIRST. <3
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