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Codependency Is How You Survived
Self-trust Is How You Will Thrive
Self-trust is the first element of your existence that was attacked and exiled from your person. This happened with the first act of gaslighting, abuse, and discard.
To survive, your body reacted with the please-and-appease response (aka fawn response), planting the seed for your future codependent behaviors.
This can end. Join my 5-day Freedom From Codependency Challenge and discover how fast and deeply you can trust yourself.
In This 5-day intensive, I’m going to go through everything you need to know to trust yourself again and take yourself back from codependency. Put codependency and the impact of narcissistic abuse behind you.
Starts Monday, March 28th, 2022!
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#Reinforcement Episodes: The Two Commitments You Must Make With Yourself
COMMITMENT ONE: Honesty with yourself and safe others. This involves being willing to acknowledge what you feel, what you are experiencing, and what is actually happening. This involves the end of fantasy making and toxic hope.
This means acknowledging the pain you`re feeling, their abusive and neglectful behavior, and any habits of denying the patterns of behavior and impact in the relationship.
This also includes confronting fantasies of changing them, of their potential, and it means being honest with what is actually happening.
COMMITMENT TWO: Loyalty to your well-being and safety first. Relationships do not require the loss of your Self, your well-being, your sanity. The real work in healthy relationships is building connection and understanding. This starts with loyalty to yourself.
Put your well-being first, respect your pain, choose according to what adds to your well-being, say no to what doesn`t, and stay loyal to your boundaries and values.
#bluntcake
In my work, we choose ourselves first. This ensures our well-being and allows us to know what to say yes to and no to. It empowers our safety, connection, and living our real worth.
This means that all relationships are second in priority, and are considered and navigated through this lens.
It also means that the love we feel for someone is not what guides us in staying in relationship with another or leaving that relationship.
That is determined by how that relationship either adds to or takes away from one`s well-being.
You inherently matter. Make sure your choices and actions are aligned with that.
❤
Is Being "Too Much" A Real Thing?
Have you been told you`re "too much" by someone?
Have you questioned your own level of needs, desires, and wants due to that?
Have you felt shame, confusion, doubt, or guilt for what you want or need, and how much of it you want or need?
This is a very, very common impact we feel from others. It can be especially painful if we`re repeatedly told we`re "too much" and shamed for it. Conversely, you may also be told you`re "not enough", too, creating a mass of confusion and inner conflict.
Learn how to navigate this in today`s episode!
The affirmation that both challenged me and broke me open to myself:
"I like you. I am happy you exist."
#codependency #selflove #healing
Are You Being Selfish? Or Is Your Self-Interest Being Weaponized?
"You`re selfish" or "Stop being so selfish" or "You have to share!"
These are phrases I heard a lot in response to me saying no, to having a boundary, or wanting to keep something of mine, mine.
I was also raised to believe that sharing was the ideal and that having boundaries or saying no meant I was doing something "selfish" or mean because it "deprived someone else of something they wanted".
This kind of treatment of our autonomy and boundaries taught us to feel shame and to discount and ignore our self-interest, boundaries, and desires.
Learn how to start freeing yourself from this trap of inverted power and begin to occupy your sovereign space and autonomy in today`s episode!
Check bio for links!
The Essentials - Sanity: Know What Is Real With These 3 Patterns
Self-doubt caused by gaslighting, lying, and betrayal leaves us highly vulnerable to harm and leads us to question if we know what is real and what is not real.
We are left to struggle to understand what is happening and what "right" choices to make.
We turn outward towards others to define reality, and often towards those that are gaslighting and harming us, as we want to feel safe with them.
We must return to sanity and knowing what is real if we`re to experience lasting freedom from codependency, toxic relationship patterns, self-doubt, and the pain these things bring.
Learn the 3 patterns I teach my students to watch for and how they create reliable sanity and reality in their daily lives in today`s episode!
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Seeking help in healing codependency? Join The Heal Your Codependency Community and get access to weekly experiments, practices, and support in your healing journey: https://community.freetheself.com
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Connect with me on social media and via email, and learn more about how I heal codependency permanently even when therapy and self-help efforts have failed you: https://links.freetheself.com
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[The Essential Codependency Healing Trainings Starts May 14, 2023]
This LIVE 8-week training is for codependents, people-pleasers, and perfectionists that:
- Feel like there`s something crucial they`re missing in their healing work
- Are stuck in a circle of relapse and "trying to not be codependent"
- Feel lost and frustrated not knowing what to do to get real peace and healing
There are 8 necessary factors that create lasting healing and freedom from codependency:
- Safety
- Sanity
- Personal Sovereignty
- Trust Yourself
- Know Yourself
- Love Yourself
- Be Yourself
- Share Yourself
Link is in the bio!
Someone`s disappointment doesn`t automatically equal a mistake or an error has been made.
#codependency #healing #healthyrelationships
These 8 relationship bare minimums provide the solid foundation for trust and safe intimacy in any kind of relationship. These are behaviors that show up in the person’s nature when you get to know them. It is not something you and they choose to work on. You and they must have these present in their behavior before you two build a relationship of any kind. You will know these are present as they’re demonstrated through patterns of behavior.
Note: Quick-lists & Infographics are snapshots on a concept or topic. They are, by nature, limited in their scope. It is entirely expected that the quick-list does not cover everything or may lack certain nuances. Keep that in mind while using them.
#bluntcake
Being lovable does not cause others to love you. Others loving you or not loving you comes from within their experience. This is why your loveability and worth are autonomous from being loved or not loved.
It is a big, deep concept, one I am working on myself.
Go gently.
Hey y`all, I`m going to be sharing my videos here more.
Is Fantasy Sabotaging Your Relationships And Your Life?
In codependency, fantasy is a core element of how we cope with relationship systems that are not changing, yet we feel deeply dependent on for our sense of well-being, safety, connection, and worth.
The brain creates fantasy as a way of giving us direction and something to hope for, especially when we do not have the resources or the capacity to confront what is really happening.
Often, these fantasies start very early in childhood. We might hope that one day the parent will change into the parent we need if we love them just right or just enough, or if we`re good enough.
Learn a few of the major fantasies we have in codependency, how to detect them, and what to do when you notice a fantasy happening in today`s episode!
Click the link in the bio for links to my offerings and workshops!
My friends, it is ok to leave it to others to figure out what to do with their problems. It is ok to step away from drama. It is ok to focus on you and what feels good to you in YOUR life. It is ok not to prioritize others all the time. It is ok to be happy even if others aren`t.
Put another way, you have innate permission (from your own authority) to:
- leave it to others to figure out what to do with their problems
- to step away from drama
- to focus on you and what feels good to you in YOUR life
- not to prioritize others all the time
- to be happy even if others aren`t
#codependency #boundaries #love #relationships
Becoming free of needing to be codependent requires that you learn what to do instead when you feel a codependent impulse
This quick-list gives you some options of what to do when you feel the need to please another in order to feel safe, lovable, worthy, or connection (aka to experience safety, connection, or identity).
Use it to build new behaviors and continue to nurture your well-being and freedom from codependency.
Note: Quick-lists & Infographics are snapshots on a concept or topic. They are, by nature, limited in their scope. It is entirely expected that the quick-list does not cover everything or may lack certain nuances. Keep that in mind while using them.
What`s on the list:
People-pleasing:
- Ignoring problems and concerns you have (agreeing to be liked)
- Ignoring your feelings about things, situations, interactions
- Placing their comfort ahead of your own well-being (can`t say no)
- Appealing to the preferences of the other person, hoping they will like, accept, or love you
- Hiding yourself by not sharing your wants, needs, likes, dislikes, boundaries, preferences, opinions and so forth (seeking approval)
- Sensations: Shows up as not feeling safe to be you, to say no, impulses that draw you to please them so they`ll like you
- Behaviors: Show up as trying to do things you think they want, fantasies about how they`ll react and what that means about you, and avoiding things that would upset or displease them
Self-advocating:
- You listen to your feelings, wants, and needs. You`re attuned to yourself
- Only apologize when appropriate
- Confront problems, concerns directly and kindly
- Share your wants, likes, preferences, and dislikes, opinions, boundaries freely
- Respect and value your own principles and values and those of others
- Practice being oriented to your own sense of worth
- Sensations: Shows up as you enjoying who you are, being clear about how you feel about them, feel safe connecting; experience rest, playfulness, joy
- Behaviors: Says yes and no honestly, prioritize your capacity and well-being; check in with yourself frequently
#codependency #healing #mentalhealth
My responsibility is to love and care for myself and choose connections with people who show they love and care for me.
I am not responsible for getting people to love me, choose me, respect me, or value me.
That`s the work.
#codependency #healing #healthyrelationships
For me, relationship has no inherent purpose. A relationship`s purpose is whatever I give it. This shift from "relationships have (x) purpose" has helped me create and maintain relationships that are meaningful to me. I get to know a person, not a purpose, and get to know the experience of "us" rather than trying to make it fulfill some kind of purpose.
Remember, relationships are with people - not concepts. Let`s get to know people.
#codependency #narcissism #healing #healthyrelationships
"I love you anyway..."
I say to the part of me that sees a big success for another and judges his own as small, meager, and himself as possibly irrelevant.
"I love you anyway..."
He resists, then begins to melt into the relief and freedom that cradles him as he lets in what he really needed: reassurance he`s loved anyway. No conditions. No limits. Only love.
"I love you anyway..."
*Updated to clarify*
A thought:
The rush to forgive is a rush to fix. Consider slowing down, accessing and understanding your feelings about what is happening. Let your feelings be the first priority, especially the pain you felt in response to the behaviors the other person did.
This allows you to acknowledge when things hurt, when things don`t feel safe, and when things are upsetting.
This aligns yourself with you rather than regulation of the other person or trying to "fix" things so a lack of conflict can exist (which is NOT peace, just a stalemate).
Discerning if your activated state is a trigger or a reaction to an active danger or unsafe situation is a step in restoring one`s sanity and safety.
We do this by looking at the facts of the situation while NOT dismissing, shaming, or ignoring the reaction we`re experiencing.
All reactions are VALID and REAL as they come from lived experience in the past.
What does need to be assessed is if the reaction is RELEVANT to the situation at hand. This helps the person discern reality and care for their well-being and safety.
Use this quick-list to help create clarity in your situations.
Note: Quick-lists & Infographics are snapshots on a concept or topic. They are, by nature, limited in their scope. It is entirely expected that the quick-list does not cover everything or may lack certain nuances. Keep that in mind while using them.
TRIGGER/ACTIVATION
- You can determine that there is no actual threat happening by looking at the facts of the - situation and people involved; your reaction assumes a certain situation, but the facts point to - a different reality
- They haven`t violated your boundaries
- They do not name-call, attack, diminish, or deny you or your reality
- They haven`t questioned your sense of reality or the event (no gaslighting)
- They are warm and available to how you feel about what happened
- They have a pattern of warmth, responsiveness, and being present with you
- After outlining the situation, you can see there was no threat
- The intensity and reaction seems to come out of nowhere
- If this is happening, your reactions have a rational cause, but may not be relevant to the current situation
UNSAFE SITUATION
- You feel anxious, uneasy, or unsafe and can point to behaviors that led to that feeling
- Your body is being attacked or threatened
- Your emotions and experience are attacked, threatened, belittled, diminished, or ignored
- The person has a pattern of being cold or indifferent to you
- The person is frequently aggressive towards you
- The person frequently gaslights and questions your perception
- You`re not allowed to take space, disengage, and regulate yourself
- Boundaries are violated
- Consent is not obtained
* Updated to enhance and clarify*
Green and red flags do not cancel each other out. Red flags take priority every time.
And remember: red means stop, danger, do not proceed forward.
Note: Quick-lists & Infographics are snapshots on a concept or topic. They are, by nature, limited in their scope. It is entirely expected that the quick-list does not cover everything or may lack certain nuances. Keep that in mind while using them.
GREEN FLAGS (demonstrated as a pattern)
- They respect boundaries
- They give reasonable compliments
- You feel safe being yourself
- They ask questions about your day, your life, your feelings
- They offer empathy, understanding, care
- Asks what you want
- Accepts your yes`s and no`s
- Kindly confronts concerns and problems
- Has a life outside the relationship
- Engages with you proactively
- Believes you
- Has integrity and is honest
- Manages own feelings, needs, and asks for what they want
- Relationship is grounded in reality
RED FLAGS (demonstrated as a pattern)
- Violates and ignores boundaries
- You feel like you`re walking on eggshells
- Love-bombs you
- Tends to be focused on themselves, ignores your life
- Dismisses your complaints
- Doesn`t listen; assumes a lot
- Lacks accountability and integrity
- Lacks personal interests and goals outside of having a relationship
- You do the emotional and relational labor; they don`t
- You feel frequently drained and emptied
- They blame others; always a victim
- Projects or avoids problems
- Abuse of any kind
- Euphoria and fantasy making
#codependency #narcissism #healing #healthyrelationships
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WHO IS MARSHALL?
I MENTOR CODEPENDENTS WHO ARE SEEKING TO BE THEMSELVES.