#bluntcake

In my work, we choose ourselves first. This ensures our well-being and allows us to know what to say yes to and no to. It empowers our safety, connection, and living our real worth.

This means that all relationships are second in priority, and are considered and navigated through this lens.

It also means that the love we feel for someone is not what guides us in staying in relationship with another or leaving that relationship.

That is determined by how that relationship either adds to or takes away from one`s well-being.

You inherently matter. Make sure your choices and actions are aligned with that.

❤ ...

The affirmation that both challenged me and broke me open to myself:

"I like you. I am happy you exist."

#codependency #selflove #healing ...

Someone`s disappointment doesn`t automatically equal a mistake or an error has been made.

#codependency #healing #healthyrelationships ...

These 8 relationship bare minimums provide the solid foundation for trust and safe intimacy in any kind of relationship. These are behaviors that show up in the person’s nature when you get to know them. It is not something you and they choose to work on. You and they must have these present in their behavior before you two build a relationship of any kind. You will know these are present as they’re demonstrated through patterns of behavior.

Note: Quick-lists & Infographics are snapshots on a concept or topic. They are, by nature, limited in their scope. It is entirely expected that the quick-list does not cover everything or may lack certain nuances. Keep that in mind while using them. ...

#bluntcake

Being lovable does not cause others to love you. Others loving you or not loving you comes from within their experience. This is why your loveability and worth are autonomous from being loved or not loved.

It is a big, deep concept, one I am working on myself.

Go gently. ...

My friends, it is ok to leave it to others to figure out what to do with their problems. It is ok to step away from drama. It is ok to focus on you and what feels good to you in YOUR life. It is ok not to prioritize others all the time. It is ok to be happy even if others aren`t.

Put another way, you have innate permission (from your own authority) to:

- leave it to others to figure out what to do with their problems
- to step away from drama
- to focus on you and what feels good to you in YOUR life
- not to prioritize others all the time
- to be happy even if others aren`t

#codependency #boundaries #love #relationships ...

Becoming free of needing to be codependent requires that you learn what to do instead when you feel a codependent impulse

This quick-list gives you some options of what to do when you feel the need to please another in order to feel safe, lovable, worthy, or connection (aka to experience safety, connection, or identity).

Use it to build new behaviors and continue to nurture your well-being and freedom from codependency.

Note: Quick-lists & Infographics are snapshots on a concept or topic. They are, by nature, limited in their scope. It is entirely expected that the quick-list does not cover everything or may lack certain nuances. Keep that in mind while using them.

What`s on the list:

People-pleasing:

- Ignoring problems and concerns you have (agreeing to be liked)
- Ignoring your feelings about things, situations, interactions
- Placing their comfort ahead of your own well-being (can`t say no)
- Appealing to the preferences of the other person, hoping they will like, accept, or love you
- Hiding yourself by not sharing your wants, needs, likes, dislikes, boundaries, preferences, opinions and so forth (seeking approval)
- Sensations: Shows up as not feeling safe to be you, to say no, impulses that draw you to please them so they`ll like you
- Behaviors: Show up as trying to do things you think they want, fantasies about how they`ll react and what that means about you, and avoiding things that would upset or displease them

Self-advocating:

- You listen to your feelings, wants, and needs. You`re attuned to yourself
- Only apologize when appropriate
- Confront problems, concerns directly and kindly
- Share your wants, likes, preferences, and dislikes, opinions, boundaries freely
- Respect and value your own principles and values and those of others
- Practice being oriented to your own sense of worth
- Sensations: Shows up as you enjoying who you are, being clear about how you feel about them, feel safe connecting; experience rest, playfulness, joy
- Behaviors: Says yes and no honestly, prioritize your capacity and well-being; check in with yourself frequently

#codependency #healing #mentalhealth ...

My responsibility is to love and care for myself and choose connections with people who show they love and care for me.

I am not responsible for getting people to love me, choose me, respect me, or value me.

That`s the work.

#codependency #healing #healthyrelationships ...

For me, relationship has no inherent purpose. A relationship`s purpose is whatever I give it. This shift from "relationships have (x) purpose" has helped me create and maintain relationships that are meaningful to me. I get to know a person, not a purpose, and get to know the experience of "us" rather than trying to make it fulfill some kind of purpose.

Remember, relationships are with people - not concepts. Let`s get to know people.

#codependency #narcissism #healing #healthyrelationships ...

"I love you anyway..."

I say to the part of me that sees a big success for another and judges his own as small, meager, and himself as possibly irrelevant.

"I love you anyway..."

He resists, then begins to melt into the relief and freedom that cradles him as he lets in what he really needed: reassurance he`s loved anyway. No conditions. No limits. Only love.

"I love you anyway..." ...

*Updated to clarify*

A thought:

The rush to forgive is a rush to fix. Consider slowing down, accessing and understanding your feelings about what is happening. Let your feelings be the first priority, especially the pain you felt in response to the behaviors the other person did.

This allows you to acknowledge when things hurt, when things don`t feel safe, and when things are upsetting.

This aligns yourself with you rather than regulation of the other person or trying to "fix" things so a lack of conflict can exist (which is NOT peace, just a stalemate). ...

Discerning if your activated state is a trigger or a reaction to an active danger or unsafe situation is a step in restoring one`s sanity and safety.

We do this by looking at the facts of the situation while NOT dismissing, shaming, or ignoring the reaction we`re experiencing.

All reactions are VALID and REAL as they come from lived experience in the past.

What does need to be assessed is if the reaction is RELEVANT to the situation at hand. This helps the person discern reality and care for their well-being and safety.

Use this quick-list to help create clarity in your situations.

Note: Quick-lists & Infographics are snapshots on a concept or topic. They are, by nature, limited in their scope. It is entirely expected that the quick-list does not cover everything or may lack certain nuances. Keep that in mind while using them.

TRIGGER/ACTIVATION

- You can determine that there is no actual threat happening by looking at the facts of the - situation and people involved; your reaction assumes a certain situation, but the facts point to - a different reality
- They haven`t violated your boundaries
- They do not name-call, attack, diminish, or deny you or your reality
- They haven`t questioned your sense of reality or the event (no gaslighting)
- They are warm and available to how you feel about what happened
- They have a pattern of warmth, responsiveness, and being present with you
- After outlining the situation, you can see there was no threat
- The intensity and reaction seems to come out of nowhere
- If this is happening, your reactions have a rational cause, but may not be relevant to the current situation

UNSAFE SITUATION

- You feel anxious, uneasy, or unsafe and can point to behaviors that led to that feeling
- Your body is being attacked or threatened
- Your emotions and experience are attacked, threatened, belittled, diminished, or ignored
- The person has a pattern of being cold or indifferent to you
- The person is frequently aggressive towards you
- The person frequently gaslights and questions your perception
- You`re not allowed to take space, disengage, and regulate yourself
- Boundaries are violated
- Consent is not obtained ...

* Updated to enhance and clarify*

Green and red flags do not cancel each other out. Red flags take priority every time.

And remember: red means stop, danger, do not proceed forward.

Note: Quick-lists & Infographics are snapshots on a concept or topic. They are, by nature, limited in their scope. It is entirely expected that the quick-list does not cover everything or may lack certain nuances. Keep that in mind while using them.

GREEN FLAGS (demonstrated as a pattern)

- They respect boundaries
- They give reasonable compliments
- You feel safe being yourself
- They ask questions about your day, your life, your feelings
- They offer empathy, understanding, care
- Asks what you want
- Accepts your yes`s and no`s
- Kindly confronts concerns and problems
- Has a life outside the relationship
- Engages with you proactively
- Believes you
- Has integrity and is honest
- Manages own feelings, needs, and asks for what they want
- Relationship is grounded in reality

RED FLAGS (demonstrated as a pattern)

- Violates and ignores boundaries
- You feel like you`re walking on eggshells
- Love-bombs you
- Tends to be focused on themselves, ignores your life
- Dismisses your complaints
- Doesn`t listen; assumes a lot
- Lacks accountability and integrity
- Lacks personal interests and goals outside of having a relationship
- You do the emotional and relational labor; they don`t
- You feel frequently drained and emptied
- They blame others; always a victim
- Projects or avoids problems
- Abuse of any kind
- Euphoria and fantasy making

#codependency #narcissism #healing #healthyrelationships ...

PROVING/EARNING WORTH vs ANCHORED WORTH

Codependency has us seeking our worth through earning, proving, or validation. This assumes others have authority over our worth.

In my work, one`s indomitable, innate, invulnerable worth is what they are made it. It is an inherent part of themselves.

This quick-list helps you start discerning between being anchored in your worth and seeking it outside yourself.

Note: Quick-lists are snapshots on a concept or topic. They are, by nature, limited in their scope. It is entirely expected that the quick-list does not cover everything or may lack certain nuances. Keep that in mind while using them.

PROVING/EARNING WORTH

- Seeks a sense of value and worth through productivity and achievement
- Performance is the go-to solution when feeling inadequate or having a need for feeling loved
- Outcomes define one`s worth
- Approval feels like love
- Rejection feels devastating to one`s sense of self
- Defines self according to the preferences and likes of others
- Sensations: A strong impulse to take on lots of responsibilities, to be a high performer, to strive for perfection; deep sense of insecurity, impostor syndrome, and inadequacy
- Behaviors: Taking on lots of responsibility, play is avoided, perfectionistic expectations, workaholic

ANCHORED WORTH

- Experiences a felt-sense sensation of worth as a person
- Engages in play, creativity, rest
- Uses work and productivity as a way to share who they are, not define who they are
- Attuned to one`s sense of capacity, wants, needs, and limits
- Enjoys being themselves
- Rejection and approval are regarded as information about the experience, not definition of who they are
- Sensations: Sense of joy in being themselves; work brings joy, as does play and rest; curious and creative
- Behaviors: Respects their limits, their successes and failures, owns their value and worth, cares for wants, needs, pain, and joy; allows failure to happen and curiosity to guide them

#codependency #healing #relationships ...