Choosing Myself, Over and Over

“You’ve got nothing to prove…”

This saying drove me crazy as a codependent.

“Of course I do. How else will I exist? How else will I be seen? I vanish if I do not try to prove myself to them!”

In reality, I was stuck in chasing the approval of my parents, my peers, of romantic interests, and of my culture.

I was lost in a fantasy that approval deemed me worthy, being loved by someone made me lovable, and being needed meant I was loved.

So, of course I had to prove. I had to chase. I had to demonstrate. It is all I knew because I I had were resources that bread-crumbed me. I wasn’t being loved for me. I was being manipulated.

Rejection plummeted me into depths of despair and intense desperation to be perfect.

Approval jolted me into a fear-laden high (what will happen when they don’t like me anymore? What will become of me if I can’t please them again?).

This. Was. Hell.

For 30 years.

Chasing. Seeking. Earning. Fearing.

Then I broke.

My mind frozen. My nervous system collapsed.

Panic, escape, running…

I left my IT job.

I withdrew from close friendships.

I blew up my finances.

I walked away from a marriage and the culture of my childhood.

I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t play along. I had to be free or I’d die. And I’d been dying for long enough.

I was going to try to live or die trying.

And I have.

I’m here. Alive.

I feel my worth. Because I chose to. Over and over.

I believe myself. Because I chose to. Over and over.

I have myself. Because I chose myself. Over and over.

This is why it feels like we’re clawing ourselves back.

Because WE. ARE.

My #badass friends, we. are. daring. greatly (word to Brene Brown).

How did I get here?

My recipe:

1) I restored safety, sanity and self first. I worked on self-regulation, co-regulation with friendships, and bringing myself in contact with reality. I started trusting and endorsing my own experiences, perceptions, senses of things, and my feelings, wants, and needs.

This brought me alive to myself.

I found my voice. I found my boundaries. I started to find my value for the first time.

2) I nurtured my Innate Value, Listened to my True Voice, and Followed my Vision. This empowered me to become more matured in my sense of self, to really own and possess myself despite other people’s rejection and approval (breadcrumbs no longer hook me).

I know and feel what I want, don’t want, and can sense my own wisdom, intuition, and guidance fast. As I practice discerning my voice from other people’s approval, rejections, and opinions, I get clearer and clearer on what is me and isn’t.

This is where I’ve tasted more happiness, more joy than I’ve ever known.

3) I’ve nurtured my attachment, refined and deepened my comprehension through attentive communication, and practiced conflict approaches built around creating intimacy.

This has left me enjoying clear, honest, and simple intimate relationships, satisfying friendships, lively connection with my children, and a fulfilling practice as a mentor and business pro.

This is how you can achieve this, too. Why? Because it is built into you. All that is required is the right knowledge, right tools, and the right support to make the change real for you.

That is what I am here for.

When you’re ready, I’m ready. My students and I will be there to welcome you on the journey.

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