Are You Living This Fantasy?

It looks like this:

You’re deeply enamored with them. You catch every little signal on their face. You’ve memorized the sway of their body as they walk. You find yourself melting in a warmth that comes from their attention.

Thoughts of having found “the one” waft through you mind. Visions of them loving so deeply that you will finally feel loved, whole, and free to be yourself confuse reality and fiction. It is hard to know what is real.

Your senses are jarred by deep pain and confusion when they unexpectedly pull away after you reveal more of your delicate self with them. Your mind goes foggy when they yell at you and criticisize you. You’re not sure what you did wrong.

Panicked, you start to obsess over your actions, your words, your mannerisms. “I must have done something wrong!”

Your assumption inspires a hope. “If I did, and I fix it, they will love me again.”

You charge towards this conclusion with full force, more carefully examining the past and present for signals of what makes them happy with you. You know if you get this right, everything will return to that euphoric bliss.

But this time, your efforts land with hollow reception. They’re not pleased. They are even indifferent or annoyed. They tell you, “I didn’t really want this. I wanted that thing instead.”

Your mind puzzles over the correction. “But you just said you wanted…”

“Well, you heard me wrong. I want that instead. Ok? Relax already.” Their voice is cold, stern, and annoyed. It feels like hot barbs piercing your delicate vulnerability.

“Ok…”

You are reticent to agree, but you must. Do not rock that boat. Keep the waters calm. This is what will lead back to that euphoric bliss.

So you double-down. This time you shame your “inspirations” and seek for more clues from them. This time you notice they are sharing some of their pain. They’re actually opening up to you. You feel this deep honor that they’d share this only with you.

“I can see how to make them love me like I love them…my love will heal them…”, you say to yourself.

Is this you?

If you’re nodding, “yes”, you are living a fantasy.

You see, codependency is built on the assumption that we earn our worth and the love we get through others giving it to us. This setup is the result of what is called, “object-driven relating”. Basically, you’re treated as an object or source of supply for the needs of the other person.

Naturally we believe that we meet their supply needs, they’ll reciprocate and fill ours. We’ve made the mistake of thinking we’re in a “connection-driven” relationship. IN reality, we’re just being used for what we provide – just like we use the electrical company for electricity.

The neglect of love, of compassion, of attention, presence, and interest have us starving for whatever we can get. This is why we tolerate their crazy-making. This is why we avoid rocking the boat. And it is why we created the Fantasy.

You see, the fantasy helps us ignore the painful reality that we’re suffering deeply and that we’re with the wrong person. The specter of loneliness and being alone is terrifying. This makes sense due to the reality that we feel like we don’t exist if we don’t have someone to focus on.

Further, if we did let them go, we would shrivel from existence and suffer death in some way. At least, that is what our fears scream at us.

So, we create the Fantasy. The Fantasy that our love will heal their pain, will cause them to behave differently, and ultimately cause them to love us like we love them.

It isn’t your fault you are in your fantasy. It is partly how you survived the love neglect and the discard trauma you’ve endured for so long.

But, if you’re to actually discover real love, real happiness, and real confidence – to actually heal – you must confront your fantasy and begin to nibble on reality.

Reality will the startling at first. Stark, blunt, and a bit unforgiving. Yet, it is these very factors that make it SAFE and RELIABLE. It is here you will find your sanity again. It is here where your healing takes motion.

So, today, are you willing to acknowledge your fantasy and begin to accept reality? Just for now?