Codependency can be hidden in our daily life interactions because we often believe what we’re doing is “normal” and not codependent.
Take my quick assessment and discover how much codependency is showing up in your daily life.
Click below to start now:
Are you feeling stuck and forever trapped in not healing, despite all the effort, time, and investment you’ve made?
If so, this masterclass will show you why this is happening and what to shift so you start experiencing more healing immediately in your life.
You will learn:
Join my 8-week deep dive in mastering your natural ability to heal and thrive beyond your past.
You will learn:
To attend, you must have the Heal Your Codependency Membership or be a member of the Everything Forever Program.
Enrollment opens June 26 and closes July 8th, 2023.
Get on the wait list by clicking below.
Codependency is not permanent. Fixing yourself is not necessary. Having a life you enjoy living, loving yourself, and having healthy relationships is utterly achievable for you.
Learn about the 8 Factors that make this happen in your life in my 1-day workshop.
You will learn:
Workshop Details:
Date: August 5, 2023
Time: 12pm Mountain Time
Length: Roughly two hours, 30 minutes
Investment: Free
Grab your seat by clicking below!
Codependency is not permanent. Fixing yourself is not necessary. Having a life you enjoy living, loving yourself, and having healthy relationships is utterly achievable for you.
Learn about the 8 Factors that make this happen in your life in my 1-day workshop.
You will learn:
Workshop Details:
Date: August 5, 2023
Time: 12pm Mountain Time
Length: Roughly two hours, 30 minutes
Investment: Free
Grab your seat by clicking below!
Get the essential knowledge, tools, and how-to’s that end codependency.
Even if you’re in therapy or have done years of self-help work, you can rapidly experience lasting relief, peace, and freedom from the shame, emptiness, and fear that drives your codependency.
This is achieved through eight in-depth live trainings:
Class Time: 12pm Mountain Time
This is my comprehensive healing codependency system. It covers the 8 essential factors that end your dependence on codependent behaviors to feel safe, have connection, and feel worthy and lovable through 39 in-depth trainings that are supported by twice-a-week live group support calls.
Specifically, The Codependency Healing System teaches you the skills and helps you get the experience you need to thrive without codependency. This includes how to:
You leave The Codependency Healing System with the knowledge, support, and experience that creates healthy relationships, healthy self-love, purpose, and power in your daily life. This is where codependency is ended and your well-being and happiness is unleashed.
The Codependency Healing System is part of the Heal Your Codependency Membership system.
Get on the waitlist to get notified when enrollment opens by clicking below:
Come join us and discover real support for real healing.
Need practices, tools, and information that actually works and is relevant to what you’re facing right now?
Check out the variety of tools, trainings, and guides I’ve created for students, clients, and The Community.
Included are:
All of these are freely available.
Note: Bluntcake episodes are more direct and firm information that can be confronting, especially when looking at one’s own behaviors. Please check in with your
#thrivingbeyondcodependency #advancedemotionalcare What I share below is an advanced form of emotional relating. It is a work in progress in my own life, something I
You can listen to the Podcast and YouTube version here: “I’m not supposed to care what people think” Do you try to get yourself to
Why do I experience more pain after getting some healing?
#bluntcake
In my work, we choose ourselves first. This ensures our well-being and allows us to know what to say yes to and no to. It empowers our safety, connection, and living our real worth.
This means that all relationships are second in priority, and are considered and navigated through this lens.
It also means that the love we feel for someone is not what guides us in staying in relationship with another or leaving that relationship.
That is determined by how that relationship either adds to or takes away from one`s well-being.
You inherently matter. Make sure your choices and actions are aligned with that.
❤
Is Being "Too Much" A Real Thing?
Have you been told you`re "too much" by someone?
Have you questioned your own level of needs, desires, and wants due to that?
Have you felt shame, confusion, doubt, or guilt for what you want or need, and how much of it you want or need?
This is a very, very common impact we feel from others. It can be especially painful if we`re repeatedly told we`re "too much" and shamed for it. Conversely, you may also be told you`re "not enough", too, creating a mass of confusion and inner conflict.
Learn how to navigate this in today`s episode!
The affirmation that both challenged me and broke me open to myself:
"I like you. I am happy you exist."
#codependency #selflove #healing
Are You Being Selfish? Or Is Your Self-Interest Being Weaponized?
"You`re selfish" or "Stop being so selfish" or "You have to share!"
These are phrases I heard a lot in response to me saying no, to having a boundary, or wanting to keep something of mine, mine.
I was also raised to believe that sharing was the ideal and that having boundaries or saying no meant I was doing something "selfish" or mean because it "deprived someone else of something they wanted".
This kind of treatment of our autonomy and boundaries taught us to feel shame and to discount and ignore our self-interest, boundaries, and desires.
Learn how to start freeing yourself from this trap of inverted power and begin to occupy your sovereign space and autonomy in today`s episode!
Check bio for links!
The Essentials - Sanity: Know What Is Real With These 3 Patterns
Self-doubt caused by gaslighting, lying, and betrayal leaves us highly vulnerable to harm and leads us to question if we know what is real and what is not real.
We are left to struggle to understand what is happening and what "right" choices to make.
We turn outward towards others to define reality, and often towards those that are gaslighting and harming us, as we want to feel safe with them.
We must return to sanity and knowing what is real if we`re to experience lasting freedom from codependency, toxic relationship patterns, self-doubt, and the pain these things bring.
Learn the 3 patterns I teach my students to watch for and how they create reliable sanity and reality in their daily lives in today`s episode!
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Seeking help in healing codependency? Join The Heal Your Codependency Community and get access to weekly experiments, practices, and support in your healing journey: https://community.freetheself.com
***
Connect with me on social media and via email, and learn more about how I heal codependency permanently even when therapy and self-help efforts have failed you: https://links.freetheself.com
***
[The Essential Codependency Healing Trainings Starts May 14, 2023]
This LIVE 8-week training is for codependents, people-pleasers, and perfectionists that:
- Feel like there`s something crucial they`re missing in their healing work
- Are stuck in a circle of relapse and "trying to not be codependent"
- Feel lost and frustrated not knowing what to do to get real peace and healing
There are 8 necessary factors that create lasting healing and freedom from codependency:
- Safety
- Sanity
- Personal Sovereignty
- Trust Yourself
- Know Yourself
- Love Yourself
- Be Yourself
- Share Yourself
Link is in the bio!
Someone`s disappointment doesn`t automatically equal a mistake or an error has been made.
#codependency #healing #healthyrelationships
These 8 relationship bare minimums provide the solid foundation for trust and safe intimacy in any kind of relationship. These are behaviors that show up in the person’s nature when you get to know them. It is not something you and they choose to work on. You and they must have these present in their behavior before you two build a relationship of any kind. You will know these are present as they’re demonstrated through patterns of behavior.
Note: Quick-lists & Infographics are snapshots on a concept or topic. They are, by nature, limited in their scope. It is entirely expected that the quick-list does not cover everything or may lack certain nuances. Keep that in mind while using them.
#bluntcake
Being lovable does not cause others to love you. Others loving you or not loving you comes from within their experience. This is why your loveability and worth are autonomous from being loved or not loved.
It is a big, deep concept, one I am working on myself.
Go gently.
Hey y`all, I`m going to be sharing my videos here more.
Is Fantasy Sabotaging Your Relationships And Your Life?
In codependency, fantasy is a core element of how we cope with relationship systems that are not changing, yet we feel deeply dependent on for our sense of well-being, safety, connection, and worth.
The brain creates fantasy as a way of giving us direction and something to hope for, especially when we do not have the resources or the capacity to confront what is really happening.
Often, these fantasies start very early in childhood. We might hope that one day the parent will change into the parent we need if we love them just right or just enough, or if we`re good enough.
Learn a few of the major fantasies we have in codependency, how to detect them, and what to do when you notice a fantasy happening in today`s episode!
Click the link in the bio for links to my offerings and workshops!
My friends, it is ok to leave it to others to figure out what to do with their problems. It is ok to step away from drama. It is ok to focus on you and what feels good to you in YOUR life. It is ok not to prioritize others all the time. It is ok to be happy even if others aren`t.
Put another way, you have innate permission (from your own authority) to:
- leave it to others to figure out what to do with their problems
- to step away from drama
- to focus on you and what feels good to you in YOUR life
- not to prioritize others all the time
- to be happy even if others aren`t
#codependency #boundaries #love #relationships
Becoming free of needing to be codependent requires that you learn what to do instead when you feel a codependent impulse
This quick-list gives you some options of what to do when you feel the need to please another in order to feel safe, lovable, worthy, or connection (aka to experience safety, connection, or identity).
Use it to build new behaviors and continue to nurture your well-being and freedom from codependency.
Note: Quick-lists & Infographics are snapshots on a concept or topic. They are, by nature, limited in their scope. It is entirely expected that the quick-list does not cover everything or may lack certain nuances. Keep that in mind while using them.
What`s on the list:
People-pleasing:
- Ignoring problems and concerns you have (agreeing to be liked)
- Ignoring your feelings about things, situations, interactions
- Placing their comfort ahead of your own well-being (can`t say no)
- Appealing to the preferences of the other person, hoping they will like, accept, or love you
- Hiding yourself by not sharing your wants, needs, likes, dislikes, boundaries, preferences, opinions and so forth (seeking approval)
- Sensations: Shows up as not feeling safe to be you, to say no, impulses that draw you to please them so they`ll like you
- Behaviors: Show up as trying to do things you think they want, fantasies about how they`ll react and what that means about you, and avoiding things that would upset or displease them
Self-advocating:
- You listen to your feelings, wants, and needs. You`re attuned to yourself
- Only apologize when appropriate
- Confront problems, concerns directly and kindly
- Share your wants, likes, preferences, and dislikes, opinions, boundaries freely
- Respect and value your own principles and values and those of others
- Practice being oriented to your own sense of worth
- Sensations: Shows up as you enjoying who you are, being clear about how you feel about them, feel safe connecting; experience rest, playfulness, joy
- Behaviors: Says yes and no honestly, prioritize your capacity and well-being; check in with yourself frequently
#codependency #healing #mentalhealth
My responsibility is to love and care for myself and choose connections with people who show they love and care for me.
I am not responsible for getting people to love me, choose me, respect me, or value me.
That`s the work.
#codependency #healing #healthyrelationships
For me, relationship has no inherent purpose. A relationship`s purpose is whatever I give it. This shift from "relationships have (x) purpose" has helped me create and maintain relationships that are meaningful to me. I get to know a person, not a purpose, and get to know the experience of "us" rather than trying to make it fulfill some kind of purpose.
Remember, relationships are with people - not concepts. Let`s get to know people.
#codependency #narcissism #healing #healthyrelationships
"I love you anyway..."
I say to the part of me that sees a big success for another and judges his own as small, meager, and himself as possibly irrelevant.
"I love you anyway..."
He resists, then begins to melt into the relief and freedom that cradles him as he lets in what he really needed: reassurance he`s loved anyway. No conditions. No limits. Only love.
"I love you anyway..."
*Updated to clarify*
A thought:
The rush to forgive is a rush to fix. Consider slowing down, accessing and understanding your feelings about what is happening. Let your feelings be the first priority, especially the pain you felt in response to the behaviors the other person did.
This allows you to acknowledge when things hurt, when things don`t feel safe, and when things are upsetting.
This aligns yourself with you rather than regulation of the other person or trying to "fix" things so a lack of conflict can exist (which is NOT peace, just a stalemate).
Discerning if your activated state is a trigger or a reaction to an active danger or unsafe situation is a step in restoring one`s sanity and safety.
We do this by looking at the facts of the situation while NOT dismissing, shaming, or ignoring the reaction we`re experiencing.
All reactions are VALID and REAL as they come from lived experience in the past.
What does need to be assessed is if the reaction is RELEVANT to the situation at hand. This helps the person discern reality and care for their well-being and safety.
Use this quick-list to help create clarity in your situations.
Note: Quick-lists & Infographics are snapshots on a concept or topic. They are, by nature, limited in their scope. It is entirely expected that the quick-list does not cover everything or may lack certain nuances. Keep that in mind while using them.
TRIGGER/ACTIVATION
- You can determine that there is no actual threat happening by looking at the facts of the - situation and people involved; your reaction assumes a certain situation, but the facts point to - a different reality
- They haven`t violated your boundaries
- They do not name-call, attack, diminish, or deny you or your reality
- They haven`t questioned your sense of reality or the event (no gaslighting)
- They are warm and available to how you feel about what happened
- They have a pattern of warmth, responsiveness, and being present with you
- After outlining the situation, you can see there was no threat
- The intensity and reaction seems to come out of nowhere
- If this is happening, your reactions have a rational cause, but may not be relevant to the current situation
UNSAFE SITUATION
- You feel anxious, uneasy, or unsafe and can point to behaviors that led to that feeling
- Your body is being attacked or threatened
- Your emotions and experience are attacked, threatened, belittled, diminished, or ignored
- The person has a pattern of being cold or indifferent to you
- The person is frequently aggressive towards you
- The person frequently gaslights and questions your perception
- You`re not allowed to take space, disengage, and regulate yourself
- Boundaries are violated
- Consent is not obtained
* Updated to enhance and clarify*
Green and red flags do not cancel each other out. Red flags take priority every time.
And remember: red means stop, danger, do not proceed forward.
Note: Quick-lists & Infographics are snapshots on a concept or topic. They are, by nature, limited in their scope. It is entirely expected that the quick-list does not cover everything or may lack certain nuances. Keep that in mind while using them.
GREEN FLAGS (demonstrated as a pattern)
- They respect boundaries
- They give reasonable compliments
- You feel safe being yourself
- They ask questions about your day, your life, your feelings
- They offer empathy, understanding, care
- Asks what you want
- Accepts your yes`s and no`s
- Kindly confronts concerns and problems
- Has a life outside the relationship
- Engages with you proactively
- Believes you
- Has integrity and is honest
- Manages own feelings, needs, and asks for what they want
- Relationship is grounded in reality
RED FLAGS (demonstrated as a pattern)
- Violates and ignores boundaries
- You feel like you`re walking on eggshells
- Love-bombs you
- Tends to be focused on themselves, ignores your life
- Dismisses your complaints
- Doesn`t listen; assumes a lot
- Lacks accountability and integrity
- Lacks personal interests and goals outside of having a relationship
- You do the emotional and relational labor; they don`t
- You feel frequently drained and emptied
- They blame others; always a victim
- Projects or avoids problems
- Abuse of any kind
- Euphoria and fantasy making
#codependency #narcissism #healing #healthyrelationships
PROVING/EARNING WORTH vs ANCHORED WORTH
Codependency has us seeking our worth through earning, proving, or validation. This assumes others have authority over our worth.
In my work, one`s indomitable, innate, invulnerable worth is what they are made it. It is an inherent part of themselves.
This quick-list helps you start discerning between being anchored in your worth and seeking it outside yourself.
Note: Quick-lists are snapshots on a concept or topic. They are, by nature, limited in their scope. It is entirely expected that the quick-list does not cover everything or may lack certain nuances. Keep that in mind while using them.
PROVING/EARNING WORTH
- Seeks a sense of value and worth through productivity and achievement
- Performance is the go-to solution when feeling inadequate or having a need for feeling loved
- Outcomes define one`s worth
- Approval feels like love
- Rejection feels devastating to one`s sense of self
- Defines self according to the preferences and likes of others
- Sensations: A strong impulse to take on lots of responsibilities, to be a high performer, to strive for perfection; deep sense of insecurity, impostor syndrome, and inadequacy
- Behaviors: Taking on lots of responsibility, play is avoided, perfectionistic expectations, workaholic
ANCHORED WORTH
- Experiences a felt-sense sensation of worth as a person
- Engages in play, creativity, rest
- Uses work and productivity as a way to share who they are, not define who they are
- Attuned to one`s sense of capacity, wants, needs, and limits
- Enjoys being themselves
- Rejection and approval are regarded as information about the experience, not definition of who they are
- Sensations: Sense of joy in being themselves; work brings joy, as does play and rest; curious and creative
- Behaviors: Respects their limits, their successes and failures, owns their value and worth, cares for wants, needs, pain, and joy; allows failure to happen and curiosity to guide them
#codependency #healing #relationships
Exploring how we heal and thrive beyond codependency, neglect, and narcissistic abuse.
How To Empathize Without Violating Your Well-being
Many of us struggle with a sense of conflict between caring for ourselves and caring for the other person. This is especially pronounced when the other person is also the person who harmed us. One's trauma bond with a harmful person along with one's natural care and empathy can create a divide within the codependent that is trying to navigate feeling empathy and concern for the other person while also trying to prioritize and care for themselves.
The solution to this conflict I call, ”Boundaried Empathy”.
What is Boundaried Empathy?
It is the practice of acknowledging the care we feel towards the other person while staying clear of their yard and any responsibility to regulate or fix that person's pain, problems, or consequences.
Put another way, it is learning how to empathize without fixing.
Learn how in today's episode!
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Seeking help in healing codependency? Join The Heal Your Codependency Community and get access to weekly experiments, practices, and support in your healing journey: https://community.freetheself.com
Submit questions for the YouTube Live Friday Question Sessions. Submit them here: https://ask.freetheself.com
***
Connect with me on social media and via email, and learn more about how I heal codependency permanently even when therapy and self-help efforts have failed you: https://links.freetheself.com
***
Ready to finally end your dependency on codependency and start living from your power, wholeness, and innate worth? Check out my courses here: https://courses.freetheself.com
